I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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