EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
