i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
