She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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