I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
