4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
