This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
