i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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