so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
