I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
