The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want her autograph on my taint
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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