It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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