Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night