we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
