did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
