Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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