i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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