I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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