So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
