Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
