maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
