I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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