My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
