woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
