just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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