I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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