Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
