If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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