Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
