Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
