I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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