fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
