It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
