Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
