Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
