I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
