Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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