y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
