I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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