just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
