I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I can text with my tongue
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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