Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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