I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
