I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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