haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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