dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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