Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
