Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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