the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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