This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
