he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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