Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
