And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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