She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
