I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
