Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
