Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Enjoy the penises
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
