I smell stomach acid.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
