it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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