R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
