Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
